I left church after the singing today. I went to a store and tried on two pair of jeans that should have fit but didn’t. I guess that’s what I get for being a heathen.

My husband is “concerned” about me; he probably should be. I’m concerned about me, too. It is our third anniversary in that church and I really have no interest at all in attending. 

The music sounded the same for every song. There was an offering taken up and prior to that the omnipresent fall reminder that we are behind “40K” in giving this calendar year and that makes it difficult to plan for the 2009 budget. I recall when I was 21 and working for a newspaper in Lousiana I felt it very unfair to be expected to sell more advertising during a recession than was sold during the oil boom preceding the recession. God is everywhere, so He is in this. Somewhere. I think. I’m conflicted. 

The church wants us on a care team. We got a call from a pastor we never hear from. The senior pastor recently told us it’s “just about impossible” for a member to build relationship with the staff. So why does someone who has no relationship with me think it is okay to ask me for something? Did anyone wonder why we were asking about relationship in the first place?

I missed only the sermon. I can hear it any time on a podcast. I knew my husband would be upset with me, but I just couldn’t convince myself that Jesus would be. I find myself in a strange land spiritually. Not what I expected at this point. But I don’t feel any less in love with God or that He is farther from me. Just that in the past,  I have done a lot of things that perhaps weren’t that important in the Kingdom. And I don’t feel compelled to do them anymore. I am anxious for Him to replace them with something else. But I’m not desperate enough to fill the time with irrelevant activity.